I had just started working at Dunkin’ Donuts with Jon Davidson.  Jon was the guy who cleaned up the parking lot and they needed a new doughnut finisher.  Jon thought I was the guy for the job.  So as luck would have it, they decided I had the right stuff for decorating pastries, and covering things in chocolate.  It was a miserable job waking up at 5 in the morning to bike three miles to get to the place.  I’d get messy.  I was constantly covered in sugar,sprinkles and chocolate.  But I wanted to get some money so I could enjoy myself, so I suffered in silence.   One of the worst things about this job was the crazy Italian baker.  He was fiercely loyal to me for a guy I had only met about a week into the job.

Now, I took all this with a grain of salt because I was gonna ask out this girl I thought was totally awesome.  For the sake of anonymity we’ll call her Michelle S.  As I’ve said before basically for me to be into a girl she had to have three qualities:

1.  She needed to have hair longer than mine

2. She had to be relatively attractive

3. She had to be nice to me at some point

Honestly, though there were plenty of girls I was into, but the the determining factor of getting enough guts to ask out a girl really had to do with whether or not I was going to get at least a non-threatening rejection from her.  These days I’m kind looking forward to something like just having a girl look me up and down then laughing hysterically at me.  So I can’t remember exactly when or whatever but Michelle S. was nice to me for some reason or another.  I was gonna ask her to Homecoming.  We’d have a blast!  Her friends would meet my friends and they’d all have a wonderful time, later on they’d ask what was the culminating event of the genesis of their meeting and it would all boil down to me asking out Michelle S.  There would be parades in my name and I’m be crowned Homecoming King (the youngest person in the history of High School to receive that honor.  Her and I would ride a pegasus into the sunset and live happily ever after.  Or I’d get a goodnight kiss, I DON’T KNOW the world’s a crazy place and I hadn’t really planed much farther than getting enough money to do this thing.

As I was saying I was a bit of a pariah in high school.  This comes from a steady and unfaltering love of fantasy role playing games I played and read in public in middle school as well as dicking around with my magic decks during study hall once high school started.  As you could imagine it would be a bit hard to ask out a girl in school without having someone give me a wedgie, stuff me into a locker or just have someone punch my in the arm while I was trying to look cool (hey I was a social deviant, not a complete idiot).  So I had to get her phone number.  I had resolved that writing a note would be a bad idea as it was permanent evidence that could be photocopied then edited for grammatical errors and posted around the school.  How could I get her number?

As it turned out there where only 7 S. names in the phonebook in my home town.  It was simple trial and error.  At the end of a shift at Dunkin Donuts I took the phone book into the back and started calling each S. til I got about halfway down the list. (It should be noted that because I had a brother and sister who were infinitely more likely to s me as I asked out Michelle calling from home was out, lucky for me this was right before caller ID Imagine knowing that I was calling from a Dunkin Donuts, I don’t think I’d have lived down that kind of thing after the rumor mill got a hold of it.) The fourth or fifth one down was Michelle’s kind Granny.  Well, I was in luck!  Old people loved a good story, and I conspired with Granny S. to help me out.  She was more than happy to give me her granddaughter’s ROOM NUMBER!  Yep, a room number that means not having to deal with a male picking up the phone to throw me off my weak ass game.  I had my in and I was feeling good!  But not good enough to call right then, I had expended my courage for the day.  I’d call tomorrow.

I fervently  biked to the mall, into the comic shoppe that I anyways hung out at.  This was a victory for sure and I needed to share it with some friends and pump myself up for the next step.  Marc, the manager, was excited for me, he even tried to get me to call her from the store.  I wasn’t ready just yet.

Everyday after school I went over to my friend Harry’s house to play Magic and bullshit and stuff.  We’d listen to music and try to build the best decks.  Today was different though!  I was gonna ask out a girl at his place.  After he lost a few games to me (I suspect on purpose to get my confidence up), I reached for the phone.  Have you ever seen Talledega Nights with Will Ferrel? Y’know the scene with the cougar in the car, where he has to overcome his fear of driving and just get into the car, but he keeps freaking out before he can put his hand on the car door?  Yea, Imagine I was Will the phone was the car door and Michelle was the cougar.  It went down like that for like 3 mins.  So, I decided I needed to get pumped up.  We put on the Offspring’s IXNAY the HOMBRE and listened to All I Want. That did the trick! I grabbed the phone and dialed!  THE PHONE WAS RINGING, NO GOING BACK NOW! Here’s how it went:

MS: Hello

ME: Michelle?

MS: Yes, who is this.

ME: Ok, This is Zac Clark from (whatever class), I realize that it’s a little weird that I have your phone number since I didn’t ask you for it but I called al the S.’s in the phonebook and got your Gramma, she gave me your number.  If you aren’t doing anythig and you feel like going, and you don’t already have a date……DOYOUWANNAGOTOHOMECOMINGWITHME.

MS:…….Um yea I’m not gonna go to homecoming I don’t think.

ME: Oh, ok, well if you change your mind just let me know or something. My number is 856.468.9419.

MS: Ok, Zac listen I have to go.

ME: Ok Michelle, thanks I’ll see you tomorrow.

MS: Yea

*Click*

I wasn’t the most receptive person in the world back then, but her tone the whole time was one of “oh god why is this loser calling me.”  It made me nervous, I was probably tripping over my words just to get it over with.  But with the catharsis of that click I was free!  I hung up the phone and I was running around the room laughing my ass off.  Harry pointed out that I had just thanked a girl for not going out on a date with me.  I was just happy that I had asked out a girl.  It was a total rush!  I was totally gonna do it again!

So as the story goes I didn’t end up going to Homecoming that year, I believe Michelle S. did.  But I wasn’t really all that upset.  At the end of the day I have a pretty cool story that I’ll never forget and I could share with you.  I bet she wishes she could fit into her Homecoming dress!  What does she have from this experience?  I bet she doesn’t even remember it.  But I have to say this.  Thanks Granny S.!  At least you believed in me!

Can’t say it was the first time, or the second or that I could even count on fingers and toes how many times it’s happened to me, But yesterday I was given the boot.  Seeming before I actually thought there was much going on.  The story is old as time itself.  Boy meets girl, boy digs girl, boy and girl go on a few dates, girl gets insecure and throws up an impenetrable wall.  Ok, maybe not old as time but it’s old nonetheless.  As long as there have been songs about love there have been girls rejecting boys.  So my tale de jour isn’t the focus here, you’ve heard that story.  I’m no stranger to it myself.  I’m here to tell you a different side of this story.  Last night the Phillies beat the Dodgers in a walk off victory…… wait no that’s not the story I was looking for.  So there are tons of magazines out there telling girls what to do when you’ve lost that loving feeling, I can’t recall the last time that modern media (barring John Cusack movies) has told fellas how to deal with this sort of thing.  So I’ll tell you how I do it without losing my cool.  Because Cool is a limited resource and you can blow it at anytime, and blowing it isn’t cool.

1.  Seek out your friends.

Whether it’s been 2 dates or 2 years you’ll need to get this off your chest.  As Nada Surf once said “There’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says she preferres the company of others to your exclusive company.”  What better way to beat that feeling of solitude than with people that know you and think you’re the bee’s knees.  They’ll say things like “you deserve better” or “you know you’re always scaring away girls by smothering them like an anthropomorphic blanket. You’re like a second rate supervillian… Smotherman, yea that’s what we’ll call you from now on.”  Either way It helps to have people that know your finer (and worse) points around to give you a little perspective.

2. Get some old music out

I find that some music just brings me back to a time when I wasn’t dealing with girls the way I do now.  I was innocent back then, or ignorant of the truth, but I find that Less than Jake’s Hello Rockview album just really makes me feel 19 again.  I can’t help but smile once I hear “Last one out of Liberty City, BURN IT TO THE GROUND!”  And yea a little bit of sad music is acceptable Osker’s Idle Will Kill is a great album for that.  Try listening to Disconnect,Diconnect, That song always gets me (everytime I hear your name, it bears an uncanny resemblance to defeat).  It helps to know someone else went through all this, and then they where upset enough to write a song (in some cases albums) about it.

3.  React to it

You’re not supposed to be happy about it.  I’m not ever jumping for joy about it.  It’s happened a bunch to me, I hope I never get used to it.  So, I tell a few friends, I yell “what the fuck?”  I even punch inanimate objects from time to time.  But eventually I need to just take it in, and look at the situation objectively.  Most of the time is actually is an “it’s not you, it’s me.” situation.  Wrong time or whatever.  But truth be told I think yelling expletives and damaging public property are chicken soup for the soul.

4. Get Good and Drunk

I can’t remember a time when drinking away my sorrows, didn’t help a little.  I mean don’t take it to extremes, but sitting down with a bottle always makes me feel like I’m in some classic movie like Casablanca or something.  From the first time I really had my heart broken to just normal everyday rejection, there’s not much a hangover won’t put into perspective.  The need for aspirin and water supersedes all others…..I should know I’m pretty hungover right now.

5.  Look on the Bright side of Life

Monty Python couldn’t have said it better.  At least A) You have good friends B) Have great taste in music C) Don’t have real anger issues D) Can afford booze to drown your sorrows.  There are a ton of reasons that things aren’t so bad.  I mean one day this will probably be a 2 min scene in a movie about my life.

So that’s how I do it, Maybe not the best advice, or the safest, but I like to think I’m pretty well glued together for a terminally single guy.  I get a little out of control from time to time but I reign myself in as well.  My last piece of advice is to remember to drink a glass of water after a night of drinking before you go to bed.  It’ll do you a world of good.